Inside The Mind Of A Dirty Old Dog
by Lady Sarai Black
Summary: What Sirius Black did not expect when he was freed from the Veil, was to fall in love. Well, at least not with her anyway. But when the damage is done, how do you get the girl you love to return the feeling? You do it Marauder style of course! SBHG-Diary
1. Prologue

**Inside the Mind of A Dirty Old Dog**

_**Prologue**_

**The one thing Sirius Black did not expect when he was freed from the veil, was to fall in love. Well, at least not with her anyway. But when the damage is done, how do you get the girl you love to return the feeling? You do it Marauder style of course! SBHG - Written in diary format.**

_I'm only saying this once, so listen in. I don't own Harry Potter._

**-**

Sirius fell heavily onto the stone floor in the Department of Mysteries, unconcious, two months after Bellatrix's curse had pushed him into the Veil.

**-**

"And so, while we know we cannot take away your time in Azkaban, we can give you back the years you lost. You were twenty-two when you were handed over to the Dementors, correct?" asked Fudge, looking at him from the benches above. Sirius nodded.

"Right then. Proceed to level two, you'll be restored to your rightful age. Thankyou for your time."

**-**

The Wizarding world rejoiced. Voldermort was dead, at the hand of The Boy Who Lived. His Godson. They were free.

**-**

**So... the diary entries, and proper story start next chapter, so don't be put off by this tiny chapter. It's just to introduce how Sirius is alive, and what happened. It basically follows most of the plot, except Remus and Tonks didn't die. Nor does Fred, though he doesn't play a big role. They're alive and kicking. Not sure yet if Dumbledore is dead or not yet. Depends if I need him, which I think that I might. Currently, well, currently in the next chapter, Sirius is twenty-five... I think. Cheers,**

**_Lady Sarai Black_**


	2. Like A Lovesick Puppy

**Inside the Mind of A Dirty Old Dog**

_**Like A Lovesick Puppy**_

**The one thing Sirius Black did not expect when he was freed from the veil, was to fall in love. Well, at least not with her anyway. But when the damage is done, how do you get the girl you love to return the feeling? You do it Marauder style of course! SBHG - Written in diary format.**

_I'm only saying this once, so listen in. I don't own Harry Potter._

**-**

**January 1****st**** – 2009**

My name is Sirius Black and I'm in love. Geez I sound like one of those muggle alcoholics anonymous groups... I had to tell you that though. My girl is just so perfect... she has the most gorgeous eyes, a chocolatey honey brown. And her body... don't get me started there. I could go on for hours. Ain't love grand? I've decided to start this diary to help work out some things. James did it when he realised he was in love with Lily, and I figured that it worked for him. Now it's my turn. Except my fiery, know-it-all bookworm doesn't have red hair. She has the most gorgeous brown curls. I swear on Marauder's Honour, Hermione is definitely the girl for me.

**-**

**January 1****st**** - 2009**

Right, so my NewYear's resolution was to make her fall in love with me. Not that it will be hard or anything. But. I have some ideas on how to give the whole thing an... I don't know. To give it a special something. Give opinions on them.

a) Send her chocolates, roses, you know, the whole secret admirer deal.

b) Tell her outright that I love her. This isn't really my thing.

c) Just ask her to dinner.

d) Create an elaborate plan to place her in a compromising position with none other than: me!

Now, I realise that a book can't actually give me an opinion on this. So Remus is going to be the exclusive reader! In other words, he is allowed to read my entries, and tell me if I've been a dick or not. In italics. He's been doing it all my life, so this isn't really any different.

_You are a dickhead Sirius. I am not going to read your diary, and comment on some hairbrained scheme of yours about how to get a girl twenty years younger than you to fall in love. With you._

You have already read my diary. And commented. And she is nineteen, and I am twenty six. That is a seven year age gap.

_It's only your body that is twenty six._

Yes my body only. But she is the smartest witch of her class. She is far more mature than me.

_Can't disagree with that._

**-**

**January 1****st**** – 2009**

So, I guess you would be wondering how I came to fall in love with this beautiful, amazing, kind, intelligent witch. Well, I was at this-

_Sirius. Just tell me. You don't need to write it down._

Oh but I do! You see, when our kids are old enough to understand this, they'll want to know how mummy and daddy fell in love!

_You're a dickhead._

Whatever. Anyway, I was in this pub with Harry and Ron, and there was this really hot chick sitting up at the bar. I went to get some drinks and started talking to her. You know how it goes, we were flirting and stuff, and we ended up back at her place. Well, it's a cadavan in this muggle park thing.

_Caravan park._

Yeah. Well, everything was good until this big lump of a guy and his boyfriend came in. Apparently the girl neglected to tell me she had a boyfriend. They weren't big thinkers, and I managed to get out of there (luckily with my boxers) and took off down the street. They were faster than they looked, and followed me. I was in a muggle area, and couldn't just do magic on the spot. I would have had to though, except I recognised the street that Hermione lives on, and I decided to pay her a visit. I had to throw a few punches before she answered the door, but she saved my arse and locked them out. She was standing there in the tiniest pair of shorts I have ever seen (and I've seen a few), and a pretty much non existent tank top... And, even though I barged in on her in the middle of the night, she looked after my bruised cheek, made me something to eat and gave me a bed for the night.

_What a fascinating story... I'm just dying to hear more._

Geez mate, no need for the sarcasm. And anyway, that was it.

_Thank Merlin._

I hope you know that you are meant to be my support through these troubled times. We both supported James when he was going through this.

_No. I supported James. You laughed and flirted with Lily, which made her angry, and James angry, and then when James would hit you, Lily would yell, and take house points. You, were a nuisance._

I object. I only did that for the first... three years of him liking Lily. Then I realised he didn't like Lily, he loved Lily.

**-**

**January 2****nd**** – 2009**

Remus made me stop writing in you yesterday. He blackmailed me. He threatened to tell Hermione that I loved her.

_It got you to shut up didn't it?_

I'll tell Tonks about that time that you-

_Shutup Black._

Hehehehe... chalk one up for the Padmeister.

_Please, please, I am begging you, get over yourself!_

Begging me Moony? I didn't think you would want to be the submissive one in our relationship, you being a werewolf and all.

_And you wondered why Molly thought we would make the cutest couple?_

Get over it. I am. So, my plan for the day (well week, this isn't my only project for the year) is to send her some flowers. And chocolates. I know that chocolate sea shells are her favourite. And lilies. I'm going to sign it as "Your Secret Admirer". Then, when the suspense has built, I'll tell her its me. Then we all live happily ever after. What do you think?

_I think you're fucking insane. She isn't going to fall for you like that. Give the girl some credit!_

Fine. I'll continue to woo her over an extended period. Continue sending her gifts. Give her clues to who it is.

_You do realise she has a boyfriend? A boyfriend of... what is it now? Two years? She isn't going to leave him over flowers Sirius._

Her boyfriend is a minor thing. A small complication in my masterful plan. I've broken up far longer relationships in my day.

_That day was a long time ago. And there is no need to be proud of it._

I'll ignore that comment about my age. And I'm not proud of it. I'm merely stating that it is possible. And likely. I'm the Sex God, remember?

_One of three Sex Gods, as I remember._

Me, James and who else? There was no one else as good looking... alright I know! I know you were one of them! Geez... no need to hit me so hard. You'll make me cry.

_Ain't hard._

Trying to rip me to shreds today aren't you? Didn't get enough sleep? Wake up with Snivel-

_Oi!_

You said don't tell Tonks. Or anyone else. This diary isn't included.

_Keep that big, fat, over used mouth of your's shut! Arsehole._

Tch tch tch... I've always wanted to tch before actually...

**-**

**What does everyone think of the first proper chapter? Hope you like. I am still considering the first paragraph, the introduction one. Tell me if you have any suggestions for it. This story, as you can see, will have a fair bit of Remus in it. The story will basically follow Sirius's attempts to make Hermione fall in love with him. In the most Marauder way possible (just so he can give the kids a good story of how they fell in love). Also, if you haven't noticed, this story will have a bit of swearing. Reviews make my day... have any questions, let me know.**

**_Lady Sarai Black_**


	3. Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge

**Inside the Mind of A Dirty Old Dog**

_**Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge**_

**The one thing Sirius Black did not expect when he was freed from the veil, was to fall in love. Well, at least not with her anyway. But when the damage is done, how do you get the girl you love to return the feeling? You do it Marauder style of course! SBHG - Written in diary format.**

_I'm only saying this once, so listen in. I don't own Harry Potter._

_-_

**January 4****th**** – 2009**

As I said, lilies are her favourite type of flower. So, today I bought some lilies and chocolate sea shells. I'm going to send them to her tonight, from a post office in Scotland. Otherwise she'll probably track me down. She just has to know everything, which admittedly is one reason why I love/like her so much.

-

**January 4****th**** – 2009**

It's done. Aren't you going to congratulate me?

_On sending someone flowers? No._

Reemy Reemy Reemy. When are you going to lose the attitude? Surely you've gotten over the teenage mood swings by now.

_Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm tired. It's just been the full moon. My lovely wife is waiting for me and I'm stuck here writing in your diary._

You could always leave if you want... even though you took a Marauder's oath. And I have information that you don't want getting out...

_Funny. Your a real riot Padfoot. Blackmail is an offence._

And you'd risk your secret getting out? I go down, I'm taking you with me.

-

**January 5****th**** – 2009**

Generally I don't get up early in the morning. Never have been, never will be a morning person. But I couldn't sleep, so I'm in the kitchen at 6:00am. On a Sunday. Everybody is going to the Burrow for lunch today, I think Molly misses having lots of people around. Now that Ron lives with Luna, and Ginny with Harry, the house is empty. Hermione and _Graham _are going to be there. Graham being her _boyfriend_. Prick. I'm still looking forward to going though, even though he will be there. Because she will be there. And she'll most probably tell Ginny about the wonderful gift I gave her. Not that she knows I gave it to her. If I were a girl, and prone to romantic moments, I'd swoon.

-

**January 5****th**** – 2009**

I'm leaving in about five minutes. I plan on getting there early. Which is also something I generally don't do.

-

**January 5****th**** – 2009**

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

-

**January 6****th**** – 3009**

I was too pissed off to write yesterday. Guess what _darling Graham_ did for Hermione yesterday? Sent her lilies and chocolate seashells. That's right. Coincidentally the same thing I sent her. And, because of some freakish bad luck, my seashells and lilies didn't get there. Merlin loves games doesn't he? Or maybe, just maybe, he took the credit for my gift... that could be a possibility. The bastard! The fucking bastard! I put time and effort into that gift, and he took the credit!

_A lot of effort._

Shut up Moony, I'm not in the mood. He stole my gift.

_I know he did. And he shouldn't have. He lied to the woman he apparently loves, and I don't like him for doing so but you need to calm down. _

I'm pissed off.

_I know. But really, when you think about it, this is just good luck for you._

Really? I fail to see how.

_Now who's being sarcastic? Graham lied to his girlfriend. Of course thats helpful! She will be angry at him when she knows the truth._

Hmm. I need to think about this and how I can manipulate it to my advantage.

-

**January 7****th**** – 2009**

Moony old boy you've done it again!

_Oh no. I'm pretty sure I didn't mean to do it..._

Well you have! What are we Marauders good at?

_Erm... we're good at having sudden mood swings?_

Dickhead. We're good at pranks!

_Uh... yeah. And this is going where?_

To the greatest prank of the year.

_Oh no._

Oh yes.

-

**January 7****th**** – 2009**

Kids. I have a guide. It is called: How To Plan The Greatest Prank Ever. By Sirius Black.

Take notes.

**1.**Come up with a cunning plan that would put Snivelly to shame.

**2.**Work out how to make said cunning plan come true.

**3.**Put said cunning plan into action.

**4.**Soak up the embarrassment/anger that said cunning plan creates.

It's a masterpiece. I know. I'm working on number one, coming up with a cunning plan. Speakin of Snivvy, how are you today Remus?

_Funny. You're such a comedian. I'm here to help with the prank, not to be abused._

Okay okay... you're just too easy a target.

_Few people would call a werewolf __an__ easy target._

The werewolf is my best friend, which makes the fact that he is a werewolf inconclusive. Now. The cunning plan.

_I swear we weren't this retarded when we were younger._

On the contrary, you were quite retarded when you were younger...

_Do you want my help or not? As I said, I'm not here to be abused._

Alright. The cunning plan.

_I give up. If you keep saying cunning plan I'm going to puke._

Cunning plan.

_You are such a child. I'm going home to sleep on it. Don't call me._

-

**10****th**** January – 2009**

Remus. It's been three days since he did the dirty on me.I need my revenge. Too much longer and I will tarnish the respected name of Marauder.

_Did the dirty huh?_

You know what I mean.

_Well, as we can't have the respected name of Marauder tarnished... and as much as I'd like to say that you should fight your own battles, I have the perfect 'cunning' plan._

I'm waiting on the edge of my seat.

_Weasley barbeque, tomorrow. We'll have a Quidditch game like usual, right? Well, get him really really muddy, and I mean covered, so he has to have a shower. While he showers, steal his clothes. And towel. And wand. And everything else he can cover himself with, except perhaps a bright pink tiny towel. And turn him pink. With a bow in his hair. Then make him go outside to get help. Am I genius? Or am I genius?_

I bow down to you O Great One. You are pure genius. I promise not to mention a certain episode with our arch-nemesis Snivvy until the Greatest Prank Of The Year is complete.

_Thanks. Thanks very much. Considering that the barbeque is tomorrow... very generous. And don't ever say 'arch-nemesis' again._

I'll try an avoid it.

-

**10****th**** January – 2009**

Kiddies. Step number one has been completed, curtesy of my dear friend Remus. Step number two: Work out how to make it come true. Getting him muddy shouldn't be too hard. I just have to dump him on his arse a couple times, and maybe squirt him with mud if I have to. Then I can suggest, or Remus can suggest, that he go take a shower. The next bit is a bit more difficult... I really don't want to see him naked. But I need to get his clothes, towel, and wand, as well stopping him from using anything else but the tiny pink towel. Then I need to make him come outside. And I need to turn him pink. So complicated... I'm going to have a nap.

-

**10****th**** January – 2009**

Turning him pink: easy, I could do that in my sleep. Just a simple colour change spell.

Stealing his clothes, towel and wand: Invisibility cloak, which I'll borrow from Harry, a silencing spell and being careful.

Making sure he can only use the tiny pink towel: Looked this up in a spell book, I need to cast the _touchis onlius_ spell. Okay I made that up, I'm using a spell we thought of in our Marauder days. And now step number two is completed. Step three: Put said cunning plan into action. Piece of cake.

-

**Sorry it took so long, had an insane few weeks with sport. I got a couple questions... so here are the answers. No, Ron is not Hermione's boyfriend. His name is Graham, her boyfriend of two years. He is a made up character, just a random. I didn't want to write angry, jealous, sooky Ron. Also, Sirius is about twenty-six in body, and forty in mind, but he acts more like a teenager/early twenties, because he missed out on some of that because of Azkaban. Thats my excuse anyway. I tried to make him sound more mature... don't think it worked that well though. Thankyou to everyone who reviewed, and even those who alerted my story and didn't review... I love reviews... hint hint. Cheers,**

**_Lady Sarai_**


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